apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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