if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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