I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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