I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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