I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You're a waste of cheezeits
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
