I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
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I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
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There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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