Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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