Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
and she was petting her beer can
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
