This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
