I think I am morally bankrupt
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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