I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Randomize
