she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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