someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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