Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
