so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
