if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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