So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
God I need to hump something, right now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
