I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just tell him i said nine months
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I want a musical about memes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
