So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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