Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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