i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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