4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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