Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
