So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
