dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
