I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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