i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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