Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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