i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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