After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
