A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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