Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
