At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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