last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
