When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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