what day is it and did you see me today?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
