Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
