I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
