i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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