ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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