we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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