You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
