i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
