i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
