Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
