If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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