i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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