I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
