dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
