hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I supernannyed him into submission
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
