I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
