The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
