We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
