D3 body, D1 cock
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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