I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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