is your mom at the bar?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
