your room smells of hookers.
And success
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
