i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
