I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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