I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
