I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Randomize