I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
